My journey in my words (series of emotional stories)

My journey in my words (series of emotional stories)Meri Kahani Meri Zubani : Suman’s point of View

This is a series of emotional stories where one of the characters will be the narrator and tell his or her hard times, struggle, journey, love, relationships and their emotional love stories. Three main protagonists Suman, Akansha and Rohan will one after one tell their story.

Part 01

“Tum Aaye To Aaya Mujhe Yaad, Gali Mein Aa Chaand Nikla
Jaane Kitne Dinon Ke Baad Gali Mein Aa Chaand Nikla
Jaane Kitne Dinon Ke Baad Gali Mein Aa Chaand Nikla
Gali Mein Aa Chaand Nikla
Gali Mein Aa Chaand Nikla”
(Movie- Zakhm)

This emotional song is appropriate for me now. Only it’s not days but years for me. I am seeing her, I am seeing Akansha or better say my Asha after nearly 9 years. She was my best friend, childhood sweetheart, Lady love and fiancé 9 years back. We were just engaged when our lives changed. After a few days of our engagement, we came to know her infertility issue that for the blockage of her fallopian tube and her less fertile ovum she couldn’t conceive ever. She couldn’t be a mother and that day a tag was branded with her ‘barren’ or ‘incomplete woman’. 

I Sanjay, a weak coward man under influence of my Ma’s (mother’s) manipulating words and my dream of having lots of kids, walked out of our engagement and here ended our story, our emotional love story. The story which should have a happy ending became a sad love story, our sad emotional love story. I left her the moment she needed me most. I ashamed the words, friend and love. I did the sin of breaking the most beautiful woman’s golden heart without realizing I was destroying not only her but my life also. 

I need years to understand that I can only love her. kids or no kids, she is my necessity to be lively and happy but I was late. She abounded me the moment I walked out of our relationship.

I got married for my dream for baby but never could move on from her, leave love never could I see my wife in my future also, so obviously we got divorced. Which girl will stay married to a man who could never love her but was irresistibly in love with his ex-fiancé? 

But my ex-wife Ritika did me a favor she gave me a son named Gourav and moved on in her life only to make me realize that my son also couldn’t take the place of Asha in my heart. I couldn’t love Gourav my son my dream 1/10th of the amount of love and emotion I have for my Asha, Love of my life.

From the moment I and Ritika filed for divorce I searched for Asha. I wanted to start our emotional love story from where we left it unfinished. I searched for her everywhere but only to be disappointed. 
None gave me single information about her. Ma finally understood that I can only be happy with her, I am emotionally bonded with and she also got my son so she agreed for me and Akansha. She only said to me that she knew after our engagement broke, her ma tried to get her married several times but she always faced rejection from all for her infertility issue. Her ma tried to hide it from the prospective groom’s family but she objected and always said them.

This information stabbed my heart for more than one reason. First, her mother tried to get her married means it was a possibility that she might get married to someone else which would’ve killed my last hope and secondly, number of rejections she faced. She is a woman who can make a man’s life worthy of living and we, so-called males dared to reject and humiliate her. We men are really stupid.

Ma gave me another piece of information that Akasha’s family shifted to Delhi 7 years back. That time my Dada (elder brother) also shifted with Akansha’s family who cutting every tie with me and warning Ma to make a safe distance from them. 

Delhi is a big city but I tried to find her there by searching every dentist in Delhi practicing in every hospital, clinic, or private. 1 year ago, I got the news that she worked in Dr. Khanna’s clinic for some time as a pediatric Dentist but later shifted to aboard years ago though her family lived in Delhi only. I

 begged her Baba, Ma, elder sister Akriiti, younger sister Aditi, my Dada Shekhar and my Boudi (sister in law) Gargi who was her best friend from childhood to say me about her whereabouts but they didn’t pity me.

Finally, I am seeing her when she finally came to Kolkata to attain my brother and her best friend’s son Sanjay’s Upanayan Sanskar or Paite. There she Miss Akansha Bose is standing with my Dada and Sanjay who came to pick her up from the airport. Sorry, it will be Dr. Akansha after our graduation she always said to call her as Dr. Akansha instead of Miss Akansha. She loves her job worship her work.

She is standing there in jeans, red top and overcoat in her hand. There was her charming smile on her face but her long silky hair falling in her face sometimes blocked my view. I so wanted to tag them behind her ear but couldn’t do it though I did it numerous times long ago. I never saw her in this type of outfit but maybe her dressing style changed. 

They came to the parking lot and I hid from their view. My Dada asked her “Asha I want to say you that Suman is also here. Are you comfortable with that?” I waited for her response without breathing and prepared myself for her disgust but she surprised me with a genuine smile as she said “of course Jiju. I wouldn’t have come here otherwise. Don’t worry about me.” I left my breath with relief might be with time her anger and hurt subsided and asking forgiveness from her will be easy.

When I came home I saw her chatting with Boudi and their Shreya Masi (Aunt). Her other family members were yet not arrived from Delhi they will come in the evening. My 10-year-old nephew Sanjay and 5-year niece Doyel were also demanding their Masi to tell them stories. 

My Asha was always everyone’s favorite, the center of every event. She still is the same, wearing a light green Salwar she was running everywhere giving everyone attention when I was watching her from little distance standing beside a pillar. 

Suddenly I heard ma’s voice “How much time will you only look at her from a distance? Go and talk to her.” I looked towards her and finally gathered the courage to talk to her after giving myself a pep talk. 

I approached her when she was busy feeding Doyel some pastry. I called her “Akansha can you spare a few minutes for me??” She looked towards me with a casual smile. I expected rejection, anger, hurt even hatred but I never thought in my wildest dream that she will smile at me.

 She told me “Give me two minutes Suman I need to finishing feeding this little angel first otherwise madam will cover her dress with the rest over the pastry and Gargi will have to attain her. Gargi is super busy with all these preparations.” 

I was taken aback with her casual tone and words like she was talking to me after 9 minutes not 9 years like I never broke her heart. A few years ago, she was adamant not to see my face again in a lifetime and here she is talking with me as nothing happened between us. After she finished feeding Doyel and wiped her mouth she faced me.

With a smiling face she asked me “Yes Suman, how is life?? How are you?? Where are your wife and son??”

 I saw her face closely there was peace and happiness evident in her face as she got every happiness of life. I replied “I am Okay. My son Gourav went to visit his mother he will come at any moment. I and Ritika got divorced more than 4 years ago.” 

There was a sadness crossed her face listening that “I am sorry to hear about your divorce. Breaking of a relation is sad especially for kids they became sandwich between parents.”

 I smiled at her goodness she still thinks about my broken marriage and my son. I said “don’t be sorry Akansha, it was good for both of us. I never loved her and she deserved a loving husband so we parted. She is happily married now and also has another baby with her present husband. Gaurav stays with me and ma only meets her quarterly in a year.”

Her face hardens for fraction of a second and then again became casual “I see you got what you wanted from her, your son.”First time I sensed some disgust in her tone for me. 

I said “Yes Akansha she gave me my son. I knew I did wrong with you, with her and with Gaurav also. I left you after nearly a decade-long relationship the moment you needed my support most. I was the most idiot guy in the world. I survived the sin of breaking your heart and backstabbing you. I betrayed you who is the second name of loyalty. Then I did the second sin, I married an innocent girl to get my baby, my flesh and blood when I couldn’t give her anything in return. I could neither loved her nor be loyal to her by moving on from my past. I thought I did everything for my dream of my baby and it will be worth everything. When I hold Gaurav for the first time, I understood though I love my child nothing changed. I could neither move on nor love my baby that much to forget everything. I am sorry Akansha please forgive me. Please forgive my sin.” 

She stood opposite me and looked towards my pleading eyes. There was nothing no feelings in her beautiful large brown eyes. She uttered those words I could have committed a murder to listen “I forgave you Suman, long back and that’s why I am standing here in front of you and talking to you. Now I know I and you were never we and were not meant to be together. So, you can let the guilt slip from your mind for what you did to me. I am happy in my life.”

 I waited nearly 5 years to hear that she forgave me but when she said it stabbed my heart. Before when she was angry and had a hatred for me that time also there was something for me in her mind but now her words only told about indifference as I don’t matter to her anymore. She asked me was there anything else I wanted to talk and I shook as a no when she walked out of the place and called Aditi to enquire about their arrival time.

After some time I saw her standing on the balcony. She was standing there her open hair gently flowing in a light blaze of wind and moonlight fell on her face. She was looking ethereal beauty, like an angel who came from heaven. Suddenly her eyes lit up seeing something outside and she ran from there towards the door. I went to that place where she was just a few seconds ago to see what made her so happy and saw her Ma, Baba, Aditi with a teenage boy, a little girl, and two small boys.

Part 04...